Friday, April 05, 2013

Erect nipples....(not what you think)

Nearly 7 years ago I landed in the UK. In that time I’ve lived, lounged, loved, longed, lamented and laughed at all the things this fine country has thrown my way, and had a lovely time doing it.
But what the fuck is this 6 month winter?


I'm on the right.

What has roused me from literary slumber to come up for air and pen my first opinionated diatribe in a year? Read on.

It’s been just over a year since I last updated my blog. I remember it well. It was my birthday – middle of March – and that morning I was strolling across Clapham Common in the sunshine with nothing more than a hangover and contented smile. What's the main point here - see that word ‘sunshine’. This year we couldn't even wander the streets as we needed to avoid the wind and chill!

I for one feel jilted. We all sit here being told about global warming, hottest summers on record, etc, but how on earth is this passing us by? Even when I got here I was treated to an amazing summer: Summer Loving
Honestly, it’s like being given a complimentarily gift before subscribing. So I for one have decided to complain.

Dear Britain,

Seven years ago I decided to subscribe to your country and way of life. Your introductory offer of four proper seasons, split in to three month increments over the course of a year was both appealing and advantageous to my lifestyle. Summer was jovial and free, Autumn was comfortable, Winter was all skiing, fires and red wine, and Spring was excitable.

However, over time I have since been disappointed to find your service lacking.

In recent years I feel that rather than delivering on your initial product, you have come to rely on me being an existing customer and had faith that my complacency would keep me loyal. Whilst this has been the case, my time with you and your countrymen has taught me a valuable lesson – the ability to politely complain.

While I appreciate that you have offered me numerous ‘sweetners’, such as location, fried chicken and being to be drunk at 11am and not be looked down upon, your inability to rectify issues with your core product is disappointing.


Unfortunately, given the loyalty points you award me in the form of £ are pretty much worthless when exchanged with numerous others around the world and my fondness of your staff, I’m limited in my options. However, I do want this to serve as a warning, as many of my friends have cancelled their subscriptions and returned to their previous providers, citing the reasons above.

Yours Sincerely,
Bart Nash
Clapham

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Well, if you don't like it, move somewhere warmer. My father chose to do this when he moved from Glasgow to Guatemala, married a lovely, hard-working Guatemalan lady of the night, and gave birth to yours truly.
I can sell you a hard-working lady, just like my mum, and you can find happiness just like my old man.
Just remember to bring sunscreen.

 
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