Saturday, December 16, 2006

Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!

All right. I’m not a fighter. Simple as that. I’m not a pacifist, but I do avoid fights - I’m not really built for them. In fact, you know the documentaries where they go through fossils and analyse animals and their actions through how they are built, I can imagine mine now. In 2,000 years some guy will dig up my bones and come to this conclusion:

Here we have a male of the species. By his overly large jaw we can tell that this specimen had a propensity to talk. By his pronounced leg bones we can also ascertain that his speech often got him in to conflict, of which he fled from. However, as can be seen by how his bones are lying surrounded by those of the larger males of the species, he was smart enough to surround himself with more aggressive specimens to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

That is me courtesy of Attenborough. But sometimes you have to lash out. Take Friday night.

You can drink on UK trains. This is something I take full advantage of; h
owever, this does create some steamy, drunken tempers on public transport. Going to Balham to meet up with Cam on Friday night, one of these run-ins occurred. While getting off the train, I was bumped, quite rudely, by a Frenchman, who spilt my beer. I wasn’t going to back down from that. So turning around I gave the bumpee a verbal serve. To which he responded by spitting at me.

Now in my life I have been hit, bumped, kicked, slapped, elbowed, seen the Aussies lose the ashes and abused, but spitting is not something I’m willing to take. So, pulling back my arm, I hit this little Frenchy. Frenchy hit the ground and didn’t look all to happy. But after a little shouting the doors shut and off he went. Everyone was a winner.

Now, I ask you this question – what was he thinking? He was French – he can’t fight. It's quite funny watching how Europeans fight. The French spit, the Italians wait until they have 30 mates with them, the Irish like to come in close while the English prefer to stand back and swing. The Germans smile before taking a swing while the Polish are stern. And all time the Dutch and Swedes prefer that everyone just be friends.

Let's face it, spitting is pretty piss poor. But the French have never been known for their fighting ways - let’s analyse shall we:

War, battles, fights and the French
The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess.

Gallic Wars
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War
Mostly lost. Saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars
Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring it.

War of Devolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
Tied. Clogs were too strong.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the other opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the West.

World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina (Vietnam)
Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu and let the US finish it off…badly.

Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for anyone silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?" Pierre – you never stood a chance. It was actually pretty cruel.

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