Derby and the big 27

Fighting my way through peak hour foot and train traffic in a mad dash from Clapham in the South West corner of London to St Pancras in North East isn’t a good thing to be doing in the first place, but after coming off a Thursday night bender it’s even worse. But arriving in the nick of time at the train station all that was forgotten. It was time to go to Derby with Luke to watch the Kiwi boys play some rugby – boys weekend away!

Boarding the train we were filled with breathless anticipation. What did rural England have in store for us? How will the game go? Where will Matt vomit this time? We soon replaced all these thoughts with a cocktail of Grolsch and Southern Comfort & Red Bull. We were off to rural England, to Derby, about 2 hours by train north. Along with the Kiwi boys who live there – Kiwi Becks, Kiwi Nick and Kiwi Kirk – we were being joined by Matt and Kiwi Rhys on the Saturday.

Let’s cut to the chase. This was a weekend to get out of London and create havoc. In a country town – well it’s not small but it is far from most places – there are not many foreigners, so you do stick out. Friday night was full of many, many shenanigans, but only a couple make the highlight reel. The start of the night saw us heading to a bar called Varsity for some warm up drinks and to meet the locals. While only there for an hour, it is a place that I will visit again soon. Luke and I were already well on the way after drinking on the train and so, with our drinking shoes on, we finished at Varsity and went……to the Walkabout Derby. I’m ashamed to admit it, but that’s where we ended up that night till close. Well we did, Luke didn’t.

At the end of the night the question was asked, where’s Luke? With it raining cats and dogs outside and being in a town hundreds of miles from London….I was amazed how little we actually gave a shit! Several phone calls later, we found out: a) Luke was near a river somewhere b) he could see a shop called Top Chef c) there was a light near him.

Luke - loose

These clues led us to believe Luke was probably drowning, mainly when he said: “There’s a river and I’m wet, wait I can see a light. I’m going to walk towards the light.” Don’t walk towards the light Luke, don’t walk towards the light!!!!

Eventually Luke managed to find a way home, but not after the streets of Derby had been scoured. When arriving home, Nick and I were greeted by a passed out, soaking wet Luke mumbling: “Why would you leave me all alone in a strange town I don’t know? Why? Look at me!” Luke – sorry we failed to take any notice of these protests – it’s difficult to take you seriously when you were using a small jacket as a blanket and a perfectly good sleeping back as a pillow????

The next day was off to the rugby to see the Darling of Darby – Brett ‘Turnstiles’ Beckam – and the usually tame gentle giant Kirk 'get me on a rugby field and I look like a serial killer' play. The less said about the loss the better. As well as Saturday night for that matter. Many an ale was had in the club rooms while watching the mighty courageous Liverpool let their guard down in the closing seconds to a cheap and dirty Manchester United, who stole the game 1-0. Although all was not lost, with that Man U are now the Premier League Champions as the no one can catch them on points – and that beats the pants off the insidious Chelsea winning again.
So after many a fine ale we realised we were a very popular bunch of boys. Word had passed around that there were foreigners in town. And funnily enough, that actually means something. So while the bar maids dotted over Kiwi Rhys and Matt, some drunk 45 year old told me I looked pretty and wanted to ‘make me up’ before I went out so I’d attract the pretty ladies. With that kind of an offer I couldn’t say no.

Basically the trip was a boys’ weekend in its entirety, extremes, stories and, well, bigness.
There were big beers: Big drinks:

And big burgers:












It would be difficult to explain the details unless you were there really, but to those that were, this award ceremony is for you:

The biggest wait between drinks – Kirky boy
The biggest walk after drinks – Lukey boy
The biggest show pony – Barty boy after we walked in to Varsity
The biggest impersonation of Prison Break – Pete Wilco
The biggest spray known to man – Woody vocalising his opionon in the wee hours of Sunday morning or Pete’s James Bond actions and marriage counselling (only hope you can fight like him Pete).
The biggest human contributor to the hole in the ozone layer – Nick, you deserve to be tarnished with this.
The funniest attempt at the latter: Becks and Luke’s head – the joke that just kept on giving, and giving and giving.
Biggest patience – Lee, I don’t know how you did it.
Biggest mistake – South African Pete. You still alive buddy.
Biggest look of surprise – Kiwi Rhys – to Derby bar girls: “no, really, you’ve been looking for me?”

Man of the tour had to be South African Pete for reasons that shall never be discussed. So Pete: Ek kan nie glo dat jy met a getroude vrou geslaap het...

It’s good to see the Kiwi Boys and Room 416 high-jinks go on.

And on another note, I had my birthday drinks at the Smoke Rooms in Clapham on Saturday night. Big night was had and thanks to all those that were there, more pics of Derby and my birthday by clicking here: link.