Tuesday, February 24, 2009

We're all going to die - but at least we're full

If it's not bovine, equine, avian or climate chang-ine; it's some other thing lurking around the corner. But I never thought that pigs would be the supreme rulers of the world once we have all died out, albeit ones sipping away on Lemsip.
London is the world's most visited city, being a hub between Europe, the America's and Africa. The damp weather and cramped conditions are the perfect breeding ground for an infleunza like bug, and well the Tube is basically a pietry dish. But it's not that I'm worried about. It's the meat.

The meat?

The shortage of meat. Experts say that animal infleunza based illnesses are the result of mass produced livestock. Say you placed 300 people in a tight space, forcing them to eat, sleep and relieve themselves with in centi metres of each other (ladies and gents - The Tube once more). It's not long before an infectious diseases rips through the masses. Well, that's what happens with our little piggy friends too. They start going - no more full English. And demand for meat in the UK is phenominal.

This is the land of what I call, the double meat. Why add two when you can have three?

I'm not complaining, but a country that has faced mad cow, signs of avian flu, and now swine - you'd think they'd learn to maybe eat a salad every second Wednesday - or at least one kind of meat in a sandwich.

The usual are prawn and chicken stirfrys; beef and turkey mince bolognaise; chicken and bacon sandwhich, or my favourite - at Christmas we get the Pret Christmas Bloomer: that's turkey, ham, stuffing, cranberry and bacon - on white. Double meat is everywhere! Triple even - chipoloata sausages are wrapped in bacon...and you only get them with a Sunday roast (chicken, pork or beef of course). No wonder the flu is being passed on to humans; there's fuck all animals left.

The UK also imports over 60% of its meat, which means that cows, pigs and Australians are their greatest immigrants, a fact I learnt when I went up to regional England - Liverpool - and saw none of any. And boy wasn't that an interesting trip! But it was not all gastronomic fantasia and Home office data collection, we also went to the football.

Worst case of advertise placement...ever!

Going to Merseyside (the river the stadium is near) to get to Anfield you pass some very derelict area – called Liverpool. Down town Liverpool is old, boarded up, and not very welcoming. But what does that matter to us – we were wearing the red of the Scouse and it was obvious who we were there to support. So it was with complete comfort that we went in to the nearest boozer – no windows, just slated boards and a bar in the back – and prepared ourselves for the Kop.

The Spion Kop (or Kop for short) is the name of the supported end of Anfield, named so due to their steep nature, resembling a hill near Ladysmith, South Africa that was the scene of the Battle of Spion Kop in the Second Boer War. The Kop is renowned for giving Liverpool a very good home advantage. Supporting in the Kop was interesting. The game kicked off after Liverpool’s home song – Walk On – and the next 90 minutes taught me words, I’d never heard, gestures I’d never seen and I think I caught swine flu from the seat.

Aye – what da fock was dat you fooking carnt. Imm going to fooking cut your fooking throooat.
Billy, 7 years old, directly behind me to the ref

But all this was simply preparation for walking back to the station with the aggression of a couple of thousand fans who had witnessed a 1-1 draw. Scooting our way back through the roped off, hazardous buildings and parks that you knew you are only one step away from standing on a Hep C needle, we got back for the 2 hour train ride to London.

At least returning from London on these little trips you get to stretch out on the train back before you have to deal with the tube. But I prefer to not think about that, and simply get stuck in to my pork, chicken and turkey ham sandwich.