Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Get comfortable, we're all friends here

I’m not sure what it is, but the British love crowding. Maybe it’s the freezing winters and crushing against one another is a way to keep warm, but personal space is not just a luxury, but unheard of.

I can understand the tube, where you have no choice but to have your face buried in someone’s arm pit, but sometimes it gets ridiculous. In some circumstance where there is absolutely no room what so ever, someone still tries to wriggle their way in. Certain times you wonder about the logic in this. For example, this morning, and many mornings for that matter, I wait to get on the tube with the other 4,000 commuters all trying to get on the same train. Letting my eyes wander to the announcement board that says when each train is coming, I notice that there are two trains arriving, with the same final destination, with in one minute of each other. So - as I thought most people would - I stand back and let the crowd get on the first one so that I can get on the less crowded second one. This is a pretty obvious strategy one would think, but apparently no. The amount of people ‘smashing’ their way on to the first tube and squeezing in so hard that they resemble the footage you see of wildebeest trying to cross a stream in Africa, is truly unbelievable. What is more bizarre is the stupidity of the people doing this, when 45 seconds later, myself and a few other equally bemused people casually stroll on to a second train, going to the EXACT SAME DESTINATION!

The only conclusion I can come to is this crowding culture has meant that many people feel lost when not squeezed in to a tight space (insert Benny Hill comment here). It happens everywhere. The other day at work the elevator was packed. As it reached the first floor on the way to the ground it stopped and three people stood there to contemplate if they were getting on. This elevator says ‘built to hold 16’ and I swear there would have been at least 20, but these three decided to push their way in to the crowd anyway - you are only one floor from the bottom, with the stair well next to the lifts – why?????

And after all that frustration, imagaine how annoyed I am when I get off/on the tube and have to be reminded by this sign near my stop that even a large aquatic bird is getting more than me!

Guess I'll just have to go and join these wankers...here

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Oh hello Mr. Sunshine. Where did you come from?

I haven't been able to write much on my blog for the past week or so as the internet connection at home is down. Strangely, the chav (English for bogun) flatmate Dean has recently purchased a laptop to get online, but swears black and blue that he has had nothing to do with the broadband now not working - 'Holy Coincidence Batman'. Dealing with this guy is like dealing with a six-year old, however at least the six-year old bathes and brushes his teeth when told to.

Another reason for my lack of communication is the weather. Every night I have been coming home and sitting in the corner of the bath under a freezing cold shower, hugging my feet and crying. Well not exactly...
I've been sitting in the middle of the bath.

As you may have guessed London is basking in the greatest heat wave on record - well I think it is - but I do know that yesterday was the hottest day since records began in 1911. The mercury topped 36.3 degrees
celsius, making all us little Londonites swelter.

Most of you know of my hatred for intense heat (that being over 20 degrees), so bowling up to the tube at 8am in a suit when the temperatures are hitting 45 degrees + down in the tunnels, and are so hot some lines are shut because the tracks are bending, you can imagine my happy face. I actually managed to get a shot of a commuter queuing for the Northern Line yesterday.

For many of you in Aus you may be saying 36 degrees, well that's quite warm, but that's just a little above average in an Australian summer. Agreed, but we ain't in Australia anymore Toto.

For one, air-conditioners in England - rarer than 14-year-old virgins in Footscray. Most shops, bars, public transport and for that matter offices don't have ACs.

Second, London is a city of concrete. You know rush of heat you feel when you're at the beach and you step off the grass near the footpath on to the asphalt to cross the road, well that feeling is constant.

Third, there is no cool change that rips through the countryside off the ocean to bring relief. In fact the only ocean breeze that you feel in London is if a slight wind kicks off the Thames - and let me tell you, the only thing worse than feeling the spray off the Thames is smelling it.

You may think I'm joking about the heat, but as Simon of the shoody blog ( http://shoddyblog.blogspot.com) points out:

47c (117f) on tubes (before you factor in wearing a suit)
52c(126f) on buses
To put it into perspective, it is illegal to transport cattle at temperatures hotter than 27C(81F) according to European Union guidelines.

So I hope you are all feeling sorry for us in England while you enjoy a nice cool winter in the south. I know I'll be thinking of everyone in London in two weeks when I'll be lying on a Croatian beach enjoying the crystal clear waters of the Adriatic lapping against the shore with a cocktail in hand...

Monday, July 10, 2006

It has begun!

Mark's weight loss regime has begun! The World Cup is over and Mark needs to drop 15 kilos in 15 days - come on fella. So every one cheer him on to get from 105kg to 90kg.

Realising it's not fair to throw Mark in the mix without some sort of challenge myself, I have decided to put on weight. After coming to London at the perfectly toned and muscley (yea, yea, shut up) weight of 74kg and now sitting on the quite Ally McBealish 63kg after only two months (partying's good in London!!), I'm going for the bulking up challenge. So here's to Mark (and myself a little bit). It's good to see that he is already exercising hard:

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The battle of the lack of interest!

Italy vs France
Who gives a merde?
But play the Zidane game here
And for some more Zidane fun, have a look at these I found on my blogging idol Simon Johnson's contribution to humanity - The Shoody Blog:
France Fighter: here
Zidane Ibiza style: here
Counter Attack!!!!: here

For all you Aussies - Zidane should be an idol in your eyes, see what he did for us! Better than that turn coat Italian (surprise, surprise) who said: "I'm culturally ignorant. I don't know what a terrorist means" after he called Zidane the son of a terrorist whore (he's Algerian - a country whose freedom fighters were reknowned for attacking French interests for many years).
Two points for you to consider Mario:
Point 1 - If you know the meanings of 'culturally' and 'ignorant', I'm sure you can get your head around the second most used word in the English language at the present time! If you really were culturally ignorant, you would have said something completely different, such as my flatmate Deano would say: "Don't know nut'ing bout shit or towelheads, in'it my son!" The correct Queen's English.
Point 2 - You grew up in England you twat!


Germany vs Portugal

Woo hoo - the little krauts have done it. They beat Portugal, and more importantly, C.Ronaldo 3-1. What's more is the Portuguese girly-man was beaten as the fan's favourite young player of the tournament by another Bratwurst eating young fella. All Ronaldo had to say after the loss were comments about his playing future at Man U - selfish tit.

Not only do I end my day with this news, but also pick up some pounds for having my sweep stakes team finish in a place and winning the princely sum of 102 pence from Becca at work. My day can't get much better really.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Peoples' Champion

He was a little upset that he wasn't in anyone's photos from Valvo's Ibiza Birthday Bash. So for Nick 'Felly' Fell I have dedicated an entire post to you. To the token Englishman, God save your Queen! Well, not exactly all to him. Boydy is heading back to Aus in two weeks - so bye Boyd, give us a wave!


Friday, July 07, 2006

Friday fun for all

Has he had eye surgery?

Crazy little buggers

My favourite Portugese girly-man playing with his balls again

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

One, two, three - we all fall down!

Can any one spot the difference below?

Did you guess?
No it's not a trick question.
Yes they are both divers, but what's the answer?

That's right, one dives for the betterment of their sport!

I don't want to be to venomous with the Portuguese Football Team, as according to the amount of hits I get on my blog, a few visitors to my blog come from Portugal.

Now a friend of mind and the Blog Yoda to my Blog Luke, Simon Johnson of the shoodyblog, told me I should be nice to countries and although gently ribbing is all part of the fun, don't be venomous. You can catch more bees with honey than vinegar.

Simon - F%$k that!

The display by the Portuguese football team was the single biggest piece of sh$t acting I have ever seen - and I studied drama at school. It was an embarrassment to their great nation and to a sport I have grown to tolerate. Cristiano Renaldo head butting Rooney before the game started, and then crying like the little bitch boy that he is when Rooney dared to question a fall during the game was laughably pathetic. At least Italy had some class to their spills and they weren't every 15 seconds. Seriously, there were so many dives and over the top performances that I had time to get a beer, have some food, learn Portuguese and come back in to the bar and scream in my new found language: "are you still rolling around on the ground?" And that was one of the faster fake performances.

Shame on you Portuguese football team, you're an embarrassment! (not Portugal itself - I love your Nandos' chicken!).
The travisty of it all, and proof that apart from the Premier League, football is a laughable sport around the world, is the FIFA are probably going to give Cristiano Ronaldo the fans' best young player at the World Cup despite his pouting, diving, pretty boy antics designed mainly to get himself a lucrative transfer to Real Madrid and thus avoid the good kicking he deserves from Wayne Rooney at Manchester United training (thanks Guy).

He is currently 1st in the FIFA voting just ahead of Luis Valencia of Ecuador. Please can everyone go to here and do the decent thing by voting for Valencia.
Now I don't want to be too hard on C.Ronaldo, I mean the poor bugger, just take a look at him, he's got a head liked a kicked in bucket, if he didn't have soccer he'd have nothing:

I know the girls will be loving that picture, but the guys, especially you English boys, will be loving this:
So bugger you, you little Spanish want-to-be team, I hope Germany massacre you in the play off for third place - DEUTSCHLAND!!!!!!!

How was that Simon, gentle enough?