Monday, March 19, 2007

Cold enough to freeze the nuts off a tractor

"It's getting dark and I'm cold. I don't think I can make it."

Where is this quote from?
A) The first five minutes of a shoot 'em up when someone dies and someone else has to go and avenge them!
B) The last five minutes in a tear jerker with someone dying while holding a quilt that was made for them by their daughter who coincidentally enough is the one holding them at that time after returning home from being away for 20 years and never speaking to them for all to be forgiven, and of course the old high school sweetheart is there too and they get back together. And there's a family dog in their somewhere. Oh and the daughter has a high powered city job, which she realises that she doesn't need as all she needs is her family. At this point the guys start yelling at the screen wondering how on earth she is going to make those mortgage payments and keep her $2,000 a daycocaine habit as how else is she working 19 hours a day as a big lawyer? See, woman just don't understand the logic of these movies and... wow, this really has gone down another path, I might just stop now.

C) UK in November

The answer is C.

Now, can you guess this one:

"It's cold. I can see the light"

So who/where is this?
A) Luke Muir in Darby.
B) Me when I got trapped in a fridge and opened the door.
C) The UK in March.

C again people. It's March/April and it's cold. Damn cold. This weeks weather at 7am, the time of my revival, has been 2,1,0,2,4. Yay. Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy cold weather. I also enjoy London in the cold. Many Europeans simply struggle to dress for summer, but they look bloddy good in winter. Winter has nice scarves, big coats, leather gloves and beanies. Summer looks like an explosion in the shit section of the Salvation Army clothes drop.

Winter also can afford you many little lines, such as: "It's verey cold outside, wouoldn't it be better if I just stayed at your place so we both won't be cold in the morning?" Hasn't worked as yet, but a slap in the face can really warm you up.

Now this weather is used as an excuse for people not getting out and about, and Britains lack of sporting stars. The country that brought you Chariots of Fire, won the Ashes once in 16 years and, well, are responsible for Tim Henman, I guess they have some sort of excuse. Now I can understand that where a country is a bit chilly and the main sport - while I have grown quite fond of but really has as much power and courage as a weakly played game of Hungry Hungry Hippos - that not as many people get out and active. But what happened to the English sense of victory. That reason that you actually compete. It's not whether you win or lose, just how you play the game - bullshit - tell that to the Germans or Iraqis. If that truly was the case the French should still be on sanctions.

What happened in this space for the British. When did the sporting nous and the taste for victory disappear. It’s difficult for an Australian to understand. I’m not sure what is being taught to little kids here but when I was growing up, sport was everywhere and winning it was essential. Windton Churchill’s 'we’ll fight them on land, we’ll fight them on the beaches...' has been replaced with vanilla statement.

The English Olympic spokesperson said the other day: "Well, we’re pretty excited by the 2012 games, we think we can get as high as fourth." Fourth??? You’re not even aiming for third? You don't even want to gete on the diace?? I remember the Sydney Olympics (the best ever according to the IOC) and the statement made by our Prime Minister – "we’ll shit this in!"

Now last weekend was a big one, apparently, for my old Town of Melbourne. Along with hosting the Formula 1, it was also the world’s championships of swimming or something like that (it's really hard to concentrate on this when the World Cup is on). Now Aussies seem to be able to swim as a natural instinct, so we tend to do pretty well at these. We usually come in first or second - it’s a constant battle with the Americans. But it’s good to see the UK are pushing for a spot, that they’re striving to succeed once again, with this bold headline in The Times a few days before the event: Britain to win medals! (at least it’s plural).

And with this, I am declaring for all the people of Australia, that Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff be made an honoury Aussie. You can keep you Kevin 'girlie man' Pieterson (damn Safa), we want Freddie. Let's face it, he probably couldn't get a go in the Upper Nambukta fourths at the moment, but his world cup antics warrant him a mention.

When England cheated and stole the Ashes a few years back, a lot of Aussies felt a little bit jaded that the man who distracted the police while the South African batsman who England claim as their own stole it: was Flintoff. The reason for being so upset was that the Flintoff spent most of his years learning to play cricket in Australia. We taught him his skills, and now we have categorical proof! Where would he learn to get so pissed while at a major world tournament, attempt to steal a pedalo and have to be rescued by hotel staff (well an Aussie would have been able to swim back to the beach - carrying the sunken craft on his mighty shoulders, but we'll over look that), all while being team vice-captain. Warney, I mean Australia! He didn't learn those drunken antics in the ol' country.


At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Biggles said...

Good to see you are using some of sayings, try at same point to fit in "Could not pull the skin of a rice custard" it may fit well with the ol countries Rugby team. And who is Anoymous?

At 10:59 AM, Anonymous Biggles said...

should read some of my sayings

At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey luvely ur not helping my travel plans.... Happy B'day by the way. LT

At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's me - Bart

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Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

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